All of Our Thoughts While Listening to “Eternal Sunshine” by Ariana Grande

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The SpongeBob guy! The SpongeBob guy. When we pressed play on this new Ariana album, that’s who we truly wanted to learn more about. Is it our fault?

Like much of the pop star’s work, Eternal Sunshine comes out amid a whirlwind of rumors and turmoil. Prior to it, Ariana filed for divorce from her spouse, realtor Dalton Gomez, and began dating her co-star in Wicked, Ethan Slater (also known as the Tony-nominated Broadway star of SpongeBob SquarePants), while also fending off charges from his ex-wife that she wasn’t a “girl’s girl.” (Sorrow.) Ari seems unwilling to address any of this in the lead single, “yes, and?.” She sung, as if to convey the message, “My tongue is sacred, I speak upon what I like / Protected, sexy, discerning with my time.” Indifferent. I should be doing better things. However, she wasn’t ignoring it either.

What’s the whole tale? The record was released today. There are 13 tunes, so let’s talk about them all.

Katja Vujić: I’m simply really enamored with her for calling her perfect marriage a situationship, to start.

Assistant to the editor, Brooke LaMantia: I apologize, but the line, “hope you feel alright when you’re in her,” is ridiculous. To be sure I wasn’t making it up, I had to look it up.

Culture writer Cat Zhang: What was everyone hoping to get out of this Ariana album?

Katja V.: She did, to some extent, meet my expectations for daring, but not sufficiently. The album has a really relaxed, quiet, “I’m very at peace” tone to it. However, that isn’t a tonal fit for the discussion of robbing someone of their spouse.

Cat Z.: Is she content? She asked, “How can I tell if I’m in the right relationship?” right at the beginning.

The deputy cultural editor, Brooke Marine: I really like that she was ahead of schedule with the opening line, haha. However, I preferred “I took your man and idc.” Furthermore, this album may or may not have the cohesive sound that I have come to anticipate from her. I wanted “grown woman unapologetic cheating anthems” for the subject matter, which is kind of what the song that references Robyn’s “Call Your Girlfriend” is all about, I suppose.

Danielle Cohen, writer on staff: She’s attempting to pass like Robyn, but it makes sense that the tone is musical theater. She’s spent, god knows how long, working on the Wicked set.

Brooke M. : Furthermore, I don’t care who she dates—Big Sean is, sure, her hottest ex—but if she is indeed seeing SpongeBob, I believe that people were searching for evidence of her infatuation with him. (Until I listened to the CD, I believed it to be sex.)

Photo editor Maridelis Morales Rosado: Her uniqueness is gone, as if she’s attempting to follow in the disco-pop footsteps of Dua Lipa and Beyoncé. It sounds merely muddled.

Brooke M.: “Yes, and?” does sound a lot like what you get when you purchase Temu’s “Break My Soul.” However, even if I didn’t appreciate “Break My Soul” when it first came out, it made sense when compared to the entirety of the Renaissance album, and after three listens, I started to feel better about it.

Cat Z.: I’m so out of the minority here, wow! I adore this album’s sparkle and smoothness. Her vocals are excellent, and I love how many allusions to the 1990s and 2000s there are in her songs. For example, “the boy is mine” sounds like Ciara’s “1,2 Step,” and “true story” sounds like Ginuwine’s “Pony.”

Katja V.: One of the first songs had a guitar in it and was really country.

Cat Z.: The country song has a Miley Cyrus vibe to it, a la Hannah Montana.

Brooke M.: The title tune is really my favorite since it sounds the most like the Ariana I was hoping for. When we were fifteen years old, who among us wasn’t completely swept away by Michel Gondry?

Danya Issawi, fashion news writer: Actually, I did want a hot SpongeBob record. Permit us to ask, “You know what, girl? Now now I understand.

Cat Z.: Astronomers, what does Saturn’s return signify this time around?

Brooke M.: When Saturn completes a full revolution and repositions itself to its original place, it occurs between the ages of 27 and 30.

Danielle C.: Though she did it… better, Kacey Musgraves sung about her return to Saturn as well.

Cat Z.: What exactly is expected to occur on your return to Saturn, I wonder?

Danya I.: It’s like your life falls apart.

Brooke L.: I was excited about mine, but Danya is making me nervous, ugh.

Katja V.: I saw the Zane Lowe interview, and she has completely abandoned the accent and returned to speaking with a mild Italian American tone.

Brooke M.: I’m kidding, but I need that excellent appropriation.

Cat Z.: Do you mean that Brooke should return to “7 Rings” and trap music?

Brooke M.: Perhaps so!

Brooke L.: Danielle, I concur! Additionally, this is the first time she hasn’t taken advantage of all the talk about her.

Cat Z: When did Ariana most successfully refute rumors? “thank you, proceed”?

Katja V.: I’m saying “thank you, next.”

Brooke M.: That was one of those moments when I realized, once more, that Pete Davidson was real.

Brooke L.: Yes, exactly! She’s always been able to persuade us of her choices. However, I’m still like, “Okay, girl, what’s going on,” this time.

Katja V.: But I can get the appeal of SpongeBob. With Dalton, she had excellent sex but lacked emotional intelligence. It is evident that she had feelings for the first theatrical lad who inquired about her day. It’s likely that they engaged in eye contact and began sobbing together. It’s obvious that he is a simp.

Danielle C.: That synopsis, Katja, is superior to the whole album.

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